Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize