the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize