Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
