Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize