if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
