She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
