you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
