it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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