gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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