i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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