i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
