I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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