Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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