sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize