Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
