White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
