I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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