im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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