I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
