No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
