so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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