if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
