Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
