Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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