I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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