as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
