Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
