I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
