did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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