He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
