and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
