I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
