Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
