Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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