i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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