fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
