90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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