yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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