who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
