She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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