At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
