Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
