He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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