Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
