you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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