they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
