Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize