Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
