she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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