That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
