I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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