First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
