You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
