Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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