how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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