I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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