we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
