So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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