Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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