wrigley field is MILF paradise
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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